All TV cops must.......

Be especially unique

Maybe they like classical music and drive a 30 year old car.
Perhaps they have a photographic memory and an interesting marriage history.
They might be blind, need a wheelchair or be more than a little overweight.

But category one of our TV Cops checklist has to be that the main character stands out against his peers. Otherwise, how would you realise he's a lead character... right?

Should he/she have a partner, they are opposites in personality

Let's check this out.
Riggs is nuts, Murtaugh is older and sensible (Lethal Weapon Series)
Morse is smart and Lewis isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer (Inspector Morse)
Dalziel is a tough talking Yorkshireman while Pascoe is educated and soft spoken (Dalziel and Pascoe)
Starsky is a risk taker while Hutch is more relaxed and thoughtful. (Starsky and Hutch)

The list goes on and on...

Why? Well, because it makes the show interesting, obviously. But mainly because it gives the viewer a contrast that's easier to write for. After all, if they were closer in personality (as is usually the case with partners) they would have to be better writers.

Their boss is ALWAYS against them

Starsky and Hutch have a shouting Captain called Doby
Inspector Frost gets something of a frosty reception from his Superintendent Mullett (A Touch of Frost)
Cagney and Lacey have to put up with the "nice on the inside nasty on the out" Lt Samuels (Cagney and Lacey)

No matter what the case. There's always a time limit!

There's 24 hours before your partner dies of a mysterious yet entirely chronologically predictable virus.
The chief grants you 48 hours to turn the case around or your 'ass is on the line'.

I could go on... I can't be bothered

Cops are ALWAYS good shots

Whether its a shoot out across a car park or a sudden draw and fire scenario, cops are always the best on the gun. Including out gunning ex-army snipers (who had subsequently gone nuts) or out assassinating a 'top assassin'.

Also, while on that subject... Cop bullets never come out the other side and hit anybody else. It's VERY, VERY rare for a show to highlight the dangers of hitting somebody in the background and if it does, it's a major plot point.

Oh... and repeated shooting of a pistol NEVER causes the accuracy to be compromised. Every shot (even when shot from the hip with your 'weak hand') is in a tight cluster.

Bend the rules, but that's OK

You know the scenes. They break into suspects houses on a whim. They trick the suspect into a confession. They state that co-criminals have landed the others in it, so why not spill the beans.

None of which are going to sound terrible impressive in court. In fact, they wouldn't be viewed in anything but a negative light. But hey, this is television.

Unlimited resources

Teenager steals old ladies bags, put a twenty cop team on the case 24/7. Need to hand over twenty million in a bust deal... it's in a filling cabinet.

Need a car to look posh, new outfit.. false moustache. It's all there, available on short notice and best of all... at no cost.

Reality is that police work is a balancing act between costs and effect.

Oh... XYZ... didn't he ABC

Just tell me this one thing. Why is it that every cop in a TV show seems to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the entire criminal network within a 100 mile range?

Some body turns up and sure enough lead cop knows its Jimmy Hatmaker who used to sell pencils with broken lead out of subway. Or they burst in on a couple of crims and the lead cop says "Oh Eric. Your in hot water now".

It's totally ridiculous.

And if you don't know who that is....

And for those moments where the lead couldn't possibly know the perpetrator / victim. The sidekick is there for a quick profile.

Any of these ring a bell? Insert your name at XXXX.

"What, XXXX the multi-millionaire?"

"What? {company name} XXXX?"

"XXXX, you know the {insert 30 second biography here}"

Police/normal car? Not for me

Now... I can understand why Miami Vice officers use expensive motors; it's part of their undercover image.

But how does

• Nash Bridges get away with driving a 72' Cuda?


• Inspector Frost drive a 20 year old Ford Sierra (very naff)


• Inspector Morse drive a 1960's Mark Two Jaguar


• Detective Sergeant Bergerac drive a 1940's Triumph!


• Starsky drive a Ford Gran Torino (and more over WHY would he)?

I mean why are these people allowed to drive their OWN cars anyway!!

Never going to have a happy marriage

With the exception of just TWO police shows in the UK I cannot remember a single cop show where the main characters didn't have relationship issues.

The two exceptions are "Inspector Wexford" whose wife Sheila has her own life, loves Reg and just gets on with it. Ditto for "Midsummer Murders" whose Tom Barnaby has a loving and patient wife in Joyce.

Now name another five? No... me neither. Not even Mary Beth Lacey had a perfect marriage. Didn't she have a fling with somebody at work? Poor Harvey....

With only minor exceptions.... ALWAYS WIN

The success rate of actual police forces around the world is a statistic that would make quite a few people blanch. Murder rate clear up vary but never get close to being better than 80%. Which means out of every ten murders at BEST two people get away with it. But not on TV. Murder clear up rate on TV must be ranking around 99%. So in my mind, TV cops should be put 'on the beat'.

Never seen a form...

I'm told by those in the know that over half of all police work these days is either on the computer or at a desk on forms. Reports have to be filled, suspects have to be tracked down, details HAVE to checked.

But clearly, somebody else does this on TV because our main heroes tend to spend most of their day bombing around in cars (of all types) and asking lots of very direct questions; with little or no background.

Never get lost

Now local police officers know the area they work. Detectives (in the UK) get around using A to Z maps or now they use GPS Navigation.

But on TV, cops have an internal 'knowledge' of the city / state / county they work down to street level. Even if its a dirt track! They also know the roads like the back of their hands, as many a high speed chase will testify.

Never home

Cops actually work a rigid system of shifts. This is because a tired cop (especially if they are armed) is a dangerous cop. This is reason for reports etc. They hand over details to the next shift. Only in extremely unusual circumstances do police officers work outside these periods. Perhaps a officer is ill and needs cover, or there is a MAJOR incident and all the service is committed.

Not on TV. No.. Morse / Frost / Bridges... they are the only officers in the place!

Conclusion

So... there's you kick off list for a TV cop show. Next time you see one on TV, see how it matches against the list. Why not score them and add to my comments.